Publisher's Synopsis
On Tuesday My Nipples Were On Fire: How Autism, Hormones, and Random Strangers Stole My Sanity is one mother's humorous take on her family. Her five autistic and "normal" kids are an endless source of amusement. Listening in as she recounts the conversations that take place in her home is like watching a slightly warped reality show. Only with more cats. Whether you have autistic kids or normal ones, you'll enjoy this family who has learned that autism is NOT a tragedy! "My 13 year old son is autistic. Like, legit autistic... Some days being the mom of an autistic child feels like being entrusted with a special soul who teaches you many things and makes you a better person. But mostly, it is just like being pecked to death slowly by a chicken." "Here is the difference between me and an autistic person: If I knock over a lamp and the light bulb breaks, I do not lick the white powder off the inside of the broken pieces." "My youngest son is the baby of the family and is very affectionate and very unaware of the term "personal space." I was having a serious conversation with him today about how to hug a lady- without copping a feel. So I told him that the only time a boy is allowed to touch a girl's boobs is if he is married to her. He took a minute, thought it over, and then very seriously and earnestly asked me to marry him." "New Rule: If you wake me up at 3:45 am because you peed in your bed; you do NOT get to complain about the color of the clean sheets I put on it." "Note to self: Next time a child drives you insane asking if the kitten can take a bath with him, don't underestimate the determination of said child when you finally give up and in frustration yell 'If you can get that cat into the bath tub, she can take a bath with you.'" "In the Frontier Days, girls got married at fifteen and started being mothers and homemakers. My fifteen-year-old daughter cannot figure out how to use a can of whipped cream without letting all of the air out, rendering it useless." "Trying to put Chap Stick on an autistic kid is like trying to put Chap Stick on a cat. Only harder. And with more spitting, scratching, and hollering." "I just saw on my youngest daughter's Twitter feed exactly when and where she is going to be tonight. Said daughter is now deleting each and every Twitter 'follower' that is not a child in her grade at school. Her next oldest sister has been posting bikini pics of herself on Facebook. It's like there is contest to see who can get abducted by a pedophile first. I need a drink." "I have daughters who are 20, 18, and 15, whom public education experts have deemed "gifted" which means they score really well on aptitude and intelligence tests, but have not a single lick of common sense between them. I have sons who are 14 and 12. My eldest son has full-on Classic Autism and my younger son has High-Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder. My children are individually and collectively the most hysterical people I know. The only thing that keeps me sane is having a sense of humor (and also Zoloft)."
